I hate Matt Damon

Today, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Due to my inexplicably irritable mood, I decided to take out my anger on someone more deserving of it than my friends. After mulling over a handful of contenders, I chose Matt Damon as my victim. One might ponder how it is possible to hate the baby-faced star of “Good Will Hunting,” but below I have listed 5 reasons why doing so is rather easy, and I would argue, natural. Enjoy!

  • His bloated, smug Hollywood face
    • Undoubtedly the most obvious reason to hate Matt Damon, his swollen face inspires a deep-seated rage every time he appears on screen. There is something about his oversized, over-bleached teeth and bulbous forehead that make my stomach churn. In addition, his lower jaw protrudes in such an unattractive fashion that I often wonder how if he has yet to catch up with the majority of the population in terms of evolutionary progress. Just from his appearance, I know that I would never be interested in anything he could possibly share. For those skeptical of my harsh (but justified) critique, I have compiled a few photos to underline my point:
Matt Damon 1
Photo courtesy of Forbes

Matt Damon 2
Photo courtesy of World Economic Forum

Matt Damon 3Photo courtesy of Popsugar

His ability to single-handedly ruin an episode of the beloved children’s show “Arthur,” while also striking fear into the hearts of any audience members.

  • Like any sentient human being, I am a big fan of PBS’s show “Arthur.” As such, I was horrified when one episode included a monstrous human-aardvark hybrid who identified as Matt Damon. I was hoping the episode would conclude with the rightful hunting of this beast, but for some reason the animators denied the audience the much needed mental solace.
Photo courtesy of Arthur Wiki
  • His arrogant friendship with Ben Affleck, George Clooney and other Hollywood blowhards.
    • Somehow, Matt Damon has managed to collect a few friends; however, they are all also intolerable Hollywood blowhards. For instance, Damon’s best friend is Ben Affleck, one of the many actors who was revealed to have inappropriately behaved towards women, further contributing to the victims of the #MeToo movement. In addition, Damon also aligns himself with George Clooney; another actor with an unjustified ego (Remember “Monuments Men” ??? Yeah, me either). Whenever I consider the question “Which 3 famous people would you most like to have dinner with?” these three are undoubtedly some of the last on my list, just behind Joseph Stalin and Osama Bin Laden.
  • His inability to fathom the notion that no one cares about his political views
    • To be fair, Matt Damon is not alone in his abject failure to comprehend that most people do not care about the political leanings of celebrities. However, that does not change the fact that I respect the celebrities (such as Taylor Swift) who purposefully do not use their platform to advocate for a candidate or political party. Though Damon may not be alone in this category, he certainly serves as one of the most preachy of the political celebrities, a fact for which I will never forgive him.
  • His roles in “We Bought a Zoo,” “Saving Private Ryan,” “Jason Bourne,” “Interstellar,” “The Departed,” etc.
    • Even Matt Damon’s anemic acting cannot ruin great films such as “The Departed” or “Interstellar,” but damn, he sure does come close. I am one of the few people who hates “Saving Private Ryan,” but as soon as I discovered that Damon was Private Ryan, the last thing I wanted was his salvation! In addition, his hand in the abomination known as “We Bought A Zoo” is unforgivable in and of itself. His presence in a film is not quite enough to evaporate all of my interest, but it does ensure that it will be a significantly less enjoyable experience.

In short, Matt Damon cannot do anything right in my eyes, and I hope this article shed some light on my extreme feelings towards this overrated, smug Hollywood fool.

3.35/5 (34)


3 thoughts on “I hate Matt Damon

  1. This article is actually super enlightening. Although the title and topic of choice are humorous in intent, the article itself was well written! The author clearly deserves tons of praise!

  2. I don’t hate anyone but I dislike anyone being hung from a tree, a lynching, before getting facts. I am just that type of person. This is why Matt Damon says he’s going to ‘close his mouth for a while’ after voicing widely unwanted opinions on sexual assault. But, he went on Saturday Night Live without any facts or any investigation. If someone is wrong, let there be proof. “Didn’t he also say that I should get in the back seat and close my mouth for a while.”

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