By Everyman Incognito
Tremors that began in the wee hours of the morning on March 2 rocked the Gettysburg College community as the student body awoke to discover that the earth had opened up and the north side of campus had sunk several hundred feet into the ground, thereby placing the entire Gettysburg College campus on a 30-degree incline. Only a single pine by the northernmost side entrance to Glatfelter Hall was unaffected.
“It just goes to show how resilient those pines are,” chuckled Professor Futinmouth Snodgrass of the Environmental Studies Department, his office in disarray from the earth’s sudden shift. “I went with my family to self-cut a Christmas tree towards the end of last semester, and let me tell you… phew! It was so strenuous I had to cancel classes for a week!”
Sophomore ES major Weasel Endorphins IV had her own take on the Gettysburg College tectonic shift and the sturdy spruce.
“I think it’s offensive and insulting. It’s sort of like Mother Nature sticking up her big green middle finger at us and saying, ‘look at you, you’re all on the decline… literally and figuratively, haha!’ It just gives me anxiety and makes me hate trees.”
Endorphins IV’s companion, Senior International Business and Chemistry double major Tony Montana disagreed.
“I think that Gaea the Earth mother must have something to do with it. She could be conspiring with the Lorax, which is just a theory. Yep, that’s probably it. Plus it was super cool to see all the cyclers and skateboarders zip uncontrollably towards the depths of the Earth at 60 mph at 7:00 am this Thursday morning!”
“Tree?” said Junior Concert Kazoo Major Thaddeus Cwiklinski.
Visiting Theater Professor and this year’s recipient of the prestigious Sexiest Gettysburgian award, Steven Buscemi had his own take on the school’s decline.
“Let me begin by telling you that for some petty cash a mere fraction of my net-worth, this problem could be taken care of in a heartbeat. Poof! College is back on level ground,” said Buscemi, twirling a smoldering stogy in his Stine Lake office. “But where’s old Steve’s slice of the pie, eh? Look at this!” Buscemi attempted to raise his coffee mug to his lips, spilling liquid all over his desk. “It’s this awful incline! I don’t need this, I’m a [expletive deleted] professional! I’m too distraught to do anything. I came to Gettysburg because it’s always been a dream of mine to be part of a mid-sized liberal arts institution of approximately 2,500 students in rural, historically relevant Pennsylvania with above average academic standards and the slogan, ‘Do Great Work!’. I also wanted to rack up ‘sexiest’ awards along the way. That’s why I left the Hollywood rat race,” Buscemi said, weeping uncontrollably.
In his earlier interview, Professor Snodgrass summed up the campus wide response to the issue succinctly: “The Gettysburg student body has approached the sudden campus transformation with its customary resiliency– students have for the most part come to my classes in a timely manner, and a few have even resorted to using mountaineering crampons to traverse the treacherous route there! Truly Gettysburg great!”
The preceding article is a completely and unequivocally satirical article written for the Gettysburg News Network on April 1, 2018. Any resemblance to any person living or dead, especially Thaddeus Cwiklinski, is entirely coincidental.
The Resilient Tree: