Stop Holding Hands in Class

Why do they do it? Is it the thrill of being watched? Is it the gross satisfaction of making others squeamishly uncomfortable? Or, is it merely the physical manifestation of a nauseatingly unhealthy level of co-dependency…

Whatever the reason may be, it is time that we as a campus community put our collective foot down and say, once and for all, that enough is enough.

Couples NEED to stop holding hands in class.

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I know it sounds ridiculous, but, this is a very real issue in my life right now.

There is a boyfriend and girlfriend currently occupying the two desks directly in front of mine in a 10am lecture in Weidensall Hall and, for some reason, they refuse to stop touching each other.

The dude will reach over from his desk, to his girlfriend’s desk, and rests his left hand on the innermost part of her right thigh FOR THE ENTIRETY OF THE CLASS!

It is so disturbingly intimate that you almost have to respect the boldness of it all. Trust me when I say that whatever it is that they’re doing makes the most sexual breed of hand-holding look like a casual fist-bump between friends.

I’m still clinging to a hope that this is all some sort of social experiment and they’re just seeing how long they can do this before somebody speaks up or physically separates them. It almost certainly isn’t, though.

We are in the MIDDLE of a classroom, mind you, and these two look like they’re about to start a family. Unbelievable.

We all see it, and nobody says anything. It’s sick and it honestly kind of ruins my day.

Awkwardness aside, can we all agree, at the very least, that shameless PDA during an academic lecture can not be conducive to learning?

I don’t even know what to do with myself it’s so uncomfortable. I have taken exactly zero notes in this class. I’ve never been more thoroughly derailed by such a minor distraction in my entire life.

This guy is grasping his girlfriend’s poor leg like it’s the last life-preserver on a sinking boat, and you expect me take lecture notes?

It’s like Shooter McGavin in the classic film Happy Gilmore says about loud distractions on the golf course while he’s trying to take a swing, “How am I supposed to CHIP with that going on, DOUG!?”

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Our professor will periodically glance over at them, shudder in disgust, and then soldier on dutifully with the lecture at hand. I don’t know how she does it.

All I can do is stare straight ahead at the blackboard and pretend not to be bothered by the insufferable cup-caking going on mere inches from my face. It seriously takes all the discipline I can muster not to stand up and point at them while shaking my head and dry-heaving.

There is simply no reason to be doing this nonsense when you’re over the age of eighteen. We’re in college!

This isn’t a middle school cafeteria where you and your lady friend sneak smooches with one another behind the vending machine when the lunch monitor isn’t looking because your parents don’t let you go out on dates yet…

You have your own dorm room! Go make sex in it!

PDA anywhere on a college campus is unnecessary. Period. Especially in an academic building. I realize that this column is making me sound like a nerd with intimacy issues, but, I really just believe that getting romantically physical in a classroom is something that most functioning humans are capable of NOT doing. That’s all.

So, if this bothers you like it bothers me, speak up. And the next time you see two people getting handsy under their desks while you’re trying to focus in class, say something. Maybe just give the guy a quick, “Hey, congrats on the sex.” He’ll get the message.

Classroom hand-holding may seem harmless, but, it is in fact really really awkward and annoying. Let’s work together to make this campus a better place. Thank you.

This article was written by Caleb Parker ’19

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