This Monday, SNL comedians Colin Jost and Michael Che hosted the 70th annual Primetime Emmy Award Show. After reading headlines declaring their performance the unfunniest and least-watched in Emmys’ history, I decided to see if the red carpet fashion was any better. Fortunately, the majority of men and women attending the ceremony dressed in a way that did not make me want to stab out my eyes with a fork and cut them up into tiny pieces. However, there were some stomach-churning looks that did make me wish the Fashion Police was a real institution with real, hard consequences. For your entertainment, I have compiled what I believe to be the best and worst looks of the night below. I have also attempted to add amusing comments which are only meant in good fun. Let’s begin!
Tracee Ellis Ross – NO! It looks like she got stuck in a parachute on her way out of the plane carrying Rihanna’s hand-me-downs. Unoriginal & therefore unacceptable.
Alison Brie – Cheap & tawdry. I know you act on a show that takes place during the 80s, but you don’t need to dress like it.
Joey King – Only 19 years old, yet Joey King is almost unmatched in poise & elegance. The gown is exquisitely crafted and colored; a true masterpiece for designer Zac Posen.
Leslie Jones – GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT OF MY HEADDDDD!!!!!
Laura Dern – I never knew someone could make so many objectively wrong decisions…I would feel bad for her, but I know she is responsible for this utter catastrophe.
Aidy Bryant – When I was 11, I owned a nightgown that looked exactly like this, except it actually fit me.
Thandie Newton – Amazing! Thandie Newton killed it. Look at her face! She knows she killed it. The color, the fit, the design. It’s somehow both classic yet unique. I love it.
Connie Britton – You’re going to the Emmys, not a barbecue, Connie. Dress like it.
Chrissy Teigen – Is she wearing gravel? Icky!
Antoni Porowski – Oh no! Mr. Popper left all his penguins at home…yet he remembered his 80s go-go boots?
Emilia Clarke – This looks like cheap lingerie mixed with a Morticia Addams costume mixed with Hell on Earth.
Rachel Brosnahan – Ugh, too beautiful. She looks absolutely effortless, and her hair and accessories are phenomenal.
Tiffany Haddish – It looks like one of those giant rainbow parachutes everyone plays with in 3rd grade…except uglier.
Allison Janney – Her Oscar should be rescinded for this absolute atrocity! How was she even allowed into the event?! No no no no no!!
Jessica Biel – Damnnnn, Jessica! She looks incredible. This dress showcases her most attractive features, and she knows it. Pay attention, ladies – this is how you wear clothing. Also, the structured nature of her gown is a welcome contrast to the flowy, soft looks that most women opted for.
Kristin Cavallari – Not even Satan himself could craft an outfit as heinous as this. Kristin, you exemplify the fact that money cannot buy class…or taste…or style….
Michelle Dockery – I love this. It is soft & romantic, and her styling is perfect.
Constance Wu – Constance, what? It looks like you got in a fight with duct tape, lost, then rolled around in a pile of glitter to console yourself.
Tina Fey – The lace, the belt, the sparkle…it’s all WRONG! She looks like a misshapen clown, except no one is laughing. Also, did she do her hair 3 minutes before she walked the red carpet???
Joe Keery – Ew! Is this an actual human being? I am wildly uncomfortable at the thought of sharing a species with this beast.
Heidi Klum – Take this dress back to 2004, where it belongs. You can stay there while you’re at it, Heidi, because that’s also the last time you were relevant.
Carol Kane – More like Carol Co-Kane because that is definitely what she must have been on when she chose this outfit.
Alexis Bledel – At first, I thought this dress was weird-looking, kind of like Alexis Bledel’s husband. Upon closer inspection, however, I think I find it fairly beautiful. The colors and appliqué create a sort of whimsy, and enhance the softness of Bledel’s own features.
Scarlett Johansson – ScarJo’s hair and makeup are beautiful, but the dress looks like it’s made of terrycloth. Did she forget to pick a dress so she cut up the nearest bathrobe instead?
Kate McKinnon – Did she use a slinky as a belt? WTF
Yvonne Orji – Well fitting, classy, and a bit sassy! Bravo, Yvonne.
Sterling K. Brown – This is sharp as all hell. Sterling is wearin’ that tux, not the other way around.
Kristen Bell – Congratulations, Kristen Bell, you made yourself look approximately 1000 years old. I thought this was Susan Sarandon at first, but then I realized even she would know better.
Angela Sarafyan – Divine, ethereal, magical. I don’t know who this woman is, but now I want to. She looks flawless.
Mario Lopez – Not even a cast can justify a suit with shorts. I wish he had broken both his legs and stayed home instead.
Best Dressed: Angela Sarafyan
Worst Dressed: Joe Keery
Do you agree? Whose dress was your favorite? Let me know in the comments below!
Note: All photos are courtesy of E! Online
This article was written by Executive Editor Alexa Secrest