As a Typical College Student, This Is What My Résumé Should Look Like…

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Caleb D. Parker

113 West Broadway, Gettysburg PA

Parkca04@Gettysburg.edu

(717)-555-2368

Hi, I’m Caleb. I’m an English major with an economics minor but for some reason I still tell my parents that I’m an economics major with an English minor, probably because it sounds harder. We both know that I’m lying about my GPA, so it’s probably best to just not bring that up. Also, every job that I’ve had up to this point has come as the direct result of a family connection, so, my letters of recommendation are complete bullshit. Please hire me.

Education

Gettysburg College: It’s a great school! You’ll probably still have to Google it, though.

Graduation Date/Degree Earned: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Major: English with a writing concentration…Ok, fine, just English.

Minor: Economics (Allegedly)

Sex: I’ll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.

Honors: Deans List (Deans Commendation, which is worse, but whatever, close enough)

GPA: 3.5 😉 😉

Activities and Societies: (long list of clubs that I went to maybe one meeting for), and my fraternity. Oh, and Order of Omega, somehow.

Professional Experience

Important Sounding Internship

The one that my best friend’s dad got me this past summer that I was laughably unqualified for.

 

Scholarly Sounding Internship

The one that my uncle got me two summers ago that I just kind of stopped showing up to in early August because I went to the beach one day and just decided not to go back, Jimmy Buffett would be proud.

 

Confusing Sounding Internship

My minimum wage summer job from after freshman year that I’m generously calling an “internship” even though it definitely wasn’t because it makes it sounds fancier and hey, this is a résumé after all.

 

Freelance Columnist, Grandex, inc.

Broke college student turned semi-professional internet potty-mouth (Current Position).

Additional Skills

  • The uncanny ability to turn virtually any object into a bottle opener.
  • Maintaining decent physical condition despite eating like a campground raccoon.
  • Engaging professors in long, riveting conversations about books I’ve never read.
  • Running unopposed for exec board positions. Please clap.
  • Commandeering the DJ booth to play “Love Me Sexy” by Jackie Moon at every party.
  • Appearing taller than I actually am while seated.
  • Beating Jimmy Barnes and Matt Ainsworth in NHL ‘18 on Xbox
  • Wearing the same three outfits every day of the week.
  • Kan Jam
  • Wii Golf, it’s all in the hips.
  • Speaking almost entirely in Movie references
  • GroupMe GIFs
  • Of-age alcoholic table tennis
  • Body surfing.
  • Caring too much
  • Having lots of additional skills
  • Humility, humbleness, and an endearing lack of cockiness.

 

See you Monday, boss!

 

This article was written by Caleb Parker ’19

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