Marie Kondo – for those of you who have been living under a boulder these past few years – is a beautiful genius guru boss-lady from Japan. Well, more specifically, she’s Japanese lifestyle consultant, organizational expert, AND overall perfect human being…As well as a genius guru boss-lady.
Marie helps materialistic American slobs (like me) get their miserable lives in order by showing them the ways of clean, happy, simple living. Essentially, she instructs people on how to own less shit. Oh Marie, you effervescent Japanese angel, this country doesn’t deserve your adorable Asian wisdom…
Marie’s core principle for the effective/practical/spiritual reorganization of your filthy American domicile is actually pretty straightforward, if you aren’t fully stoked to the point of full-on joyousness about a certain item, you should get rid of it… brilliant!
Her new Netflix show titled “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” has inspired me to start the process of de-cluttering and reorganizing my own personal bedroom/domicile so that I can be more joyous and less of a dirt-bag. Thanks, Marie!
And, since I live in a fraternity house, this should be quite a transformative process! So, without further ado, let’s spark some f*cking joy! Man, I’m so stoked! I love you Marie!
Part 1: CP’s Furniture.
Since I would never presume to throw away any of my roommate’s shit, I’m just going to focus on my own personal shit and whether or not it’s “sparking joy” in my life… So, yeah. Let’s get after it!
The Big Couch:
Yes! So much joy being sparked all over that big beautiful memory-foam couch! Whole squad sparking joyous emotions on and around that damn thing! 100% keeping the couch. That thing is a beast! Plus, it’s a very integral component of our living space. Next item!
The Smaller Couch (Love Seat?):
I’ve never been a fan of this small leather couch. Mostly because it’s gross. And it sucks. And I hate it. My only hesitation when it comes to tossing it has to do with the fact that it’s not exactly “mine” per se. However, it’s been in our house long enough that I feel comfortable tossing it. So, I’m tossing it. It’s inexplicably damp ALL of the time, it’s been urinated on at least several dozen times (makes the dampness a bit more explicable, now that I think about it) and it smells like a 50-pound bag of asses in summertime. So, thank you for your service, smaller couch, you will most certainly NOT be missed. Boom, roasted. Next item.
Coffee Table #1 (The one with 200 bottle caps nailed into it):
Not a whole lot of joy being sparked from this particular piece of furniture either, if I’m being honest with you fine GNN readers. It’s old, it’s dirty, and there’s exactly 200 beer bottle caps nailed into it which gives off a very negative energy. The bottle caps remind me of my lesser habits and more sordid desires which really lowers my joy/stoke levels. I don’t need to be so tangibly reminded about how much I drink. I know how much I drink, table! Thank you for your service, though. Next item…
Coffee Table #2 (The other one):
I actually really like this coffee table. I might be stoked on it, even. It’s highly functional. It compliments our sitting space very nicely. I think we’re gonna hang on to this table! #WeDecidedToKeepThisOne
Yes! Joy! Aaaah! Alcohol consumption can be unhealthy, sure. However, it can also help to forge comradery amongst kindred spirits, which is very healthy! Comradery is a great thing to have! I know my girl Marie Kondo would back me up on this assessment. The shot-ski stays!
Some might say that a bedroom-bar is a “bit much”. Good thing I’m not one of those people! I like the bar, Marie, deal with it. Next item.
The Bright Red “Coca Cola” Mini-Fridge:
I love this fridge! It’s so bright and joyous! What a wonderful presence! It also makes it look like I could be sponsored by Coke, which is tight. I’m not necessarily a big Coke guy, mostly because sugar is poison. That being said, this fridge is one of my all-time favorite belongings. It gives off such a cheerful and fun aura, plus it’s usually full of delicious thirst-quenching refreshments, which truly sparks my joy off. The fridge stays!
Part 2: CP’s Clothing
My spiritual quest/journey/de-cluttering exercise (inspired by miniature life-wizard Marie Kondo) has led me to a rather jarring realization. An epiphany, if you will (and you really should). I only wear four pairs of pants! So, I will be getting rid of all the other ones! The only pants that really spark joy for me are 1) jogger sweatpants, and 2) slim-tapered khakis. I’m not in prep-school anymore. So, all of my goofy pastel chinos can f*ck right off. It’s 2019, baby! I’m sticking to comfortable form-fitting khakis. Thanks, Marie!
I’m keeping ALL of my jerseys. All of them.
This may surprise some of you, but, I have resolved to ditch the strong majority of my button-down dress shirts. Why? What a handsome question. You see, button-downs make me look OLD & WASHED. And that really drains my joy-tank. I don’t want to be walking around campus looking like I have a parent-teacher conference at 3pm. I’d much rather resemble a man who’s trying to spark joy and get amped. Or, perhaps chug a tall-boy and do some hill-sprints. ENERGY!!!
What did you expect? Condams? No, but, seriously, GNN readers, I have way too many shoes… Simple as that. Nobody needs 10 pairs of shoes. Unless you’re sponsored by Payless or some shit. In which case, props to you, that’s tight. But for me (thus far unsponsored) fewer shoes will result in less clutter plus it will make the room smell better which will spark joy for everyone with nostrils.
Marie Kondo’s spiritual guidance and organizational wisdom has given me the tools to successfully rid myself of a substantial quantity of random garbage, most of which wasn’t making me very joyous. Now, I have so much more room for activities! I have so much more confidence in my domicile! And, I have so much more joy overall! Thanks, Marie!
This article was written by Caleb Parker ’19.