New Year’s Resolution: One Month Deep

By Caleb Parker ’19

What up, GNN readership.


First off, congrats on making it through the grueling month of January! Arguably the least enjoyable month of the year… No disrespect if you’re a huge fan of January (you sick freak, you).

The reason that I’m writing to you fine people today is to discuss the controversial topic of New Year’s Resolutions, and to offer you all a glimpse into my own personal journey as I strive to attain my own goals and dreams for 2019.

I’ve never really done a “New Year’s Resolush” before. At least not in the traditional sense of the term. And certainly not all of the way to completion. (which is the best way to do stuff, in my opinion).

In years past, I have certainly considered thinking about the idea of potentially kickstarting the process of beginning to ponder a potential New Year’s Resolush for myself… But, who hasn’t, though?

I’ve just never followed through on any of them is the problem…

Throughout my young hot life, I’ve come to realize that my two biggest and most glaring flaws, talent wise, have been 1) resolving things and 2) committing to stuff (ex lady-friends will confirm).

Last year, for example, I resolved to grow my hair out… And, let’s just say, that resolution didn’t last long. (Puns! YES!)

I surrendered fully to Mother Nature and allowed my bright orange head-lettuce to rage for a full month until some dickhead – who didn’t respect my journey – remarked that I looked like “the least notable member of the Weasley family”.

Two hours later, I was back to the full-on buzz-cut. I’m f*cking sensitive, ok?

This year, I made my resolution much more general and therefore, I believe, more attainable. My New Year’s Resolution, for the year 2019, is to be more positive!

I feel like positivity is something that I can easily control and will probably lead to a higher quality of existence. Which is all anyone’s really looking for anyway.

Now, on Thursday the 31st of January, one month deep into 2019, I wanted to check in with you fine GNN readers and let you all know how I’m progressing in my quest to be more positive/amped about stuff.

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Ok, let’s start with what I’m doing right now, because I know you’re all dying to know…

I am currently sitting on my couch eating an apple while trying to type out this column. I live a fascinating life, you guys.

The apple is delicious, but, it’s for sure making my fingers a little sticky…But, hey, sticky fingers (phrasing) is a small price to pay for all of those nutritious vitamins and nutrients that I’m get from eating fruit. Thanks, apple!

I’m also drinking green tea. And before you judge me (don’t you f*cking judge me, reader) I initially went into the Commons looking for a green juice (you know, one of those bottled beverages with vegetables, pineapples, spirulina, and shit) but I couldn’t find one!

Come on, Commons! Re-up on the Odwallas for me one time… Sheesh.

I was truthfully less-than-stoked about not being able to cop myself a green juice… But then, I decided to just stay positive! Life is all about attitude, guys.

It’s like Fyrefest founder Billy McFarland said (before going to federal prison for wire fraud), “We are a solutions-based company!”


Ok, maybe that was a bad example…

Anyways, I ended up buying a green tea because at least it’s the same color, GREEN!

I really feel like this was the right move on my part as a consumer because tea has caffeine in it and caffeine is tight. I have High Tea right now, my dudes! F*ck vegetables! Positivity!

So, anyway… there’s a little glimpse into how I’m doing right now and how I’m using the power of positivity to kick ass and max-out my daily stoke levels.

One month deep into my 2019 resolush and I’m already feeling like this could be the one that I see all the way though to the end! I’m coming for you, 2020!

Go ahead and comment on this post if you want me to continue posting weekly anecdotes about my New Year’s Resolution to be more positive.

Or, if you hated it, comment that you hated it and that you want me to walk outside and kick my own ass like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar.

Either way, feedback helps!







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